Wednesday, March 7, 2007

The Descent of Man

Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon and welcome. I have convened this symposium to present my new timeline for Man's evolution. I originally prepared these diagrams some 31 years ago, but after one presentation at Margaret Morrison Elementary Institute, it was apparent that the scientific community at that time was unprepared to accept my conclusions. I shall commence with Figure 1:

This depicts the well-known progression from "anthropomorphic tadpole" to "gill-man" to "Chaka" to "Dennis the Menace as an adult". Where I break from current orthodoxy is my radically compressed timeline. Proto-man (homo tadpolus) debuted, not in the distant past, but in the year 0 A.D. This necessitates a complete rethinking of history as we know it (as well as the suggestion that the Nativity may have looked much different than my depiction of it). In a remarkably swift transformation, just one year later, h.tadpolus has evolved into a bipedal, lagoon-dwelling amphibian with a fondness for brunettes. Three-quarters of a century later, he left the water for land, abandoning his scales and gills in favor of a protective coat of fur, and embarked upon a course to dominance over the dinosaurs and sleestaks that were his competitors for the harsh new world of dry land. 1,901 years later, he had assumed the form of homo sapiens, and his only natural predators were teachers, pesky girls, and, of course, Mr. Wilson. And now, let us proceed to Figure 2:

Unsatisfied with merely upending the current understanding of history, I then opted to present my view of Mankind's future. The future holds much more gradual changes for us, but environmental changes will by the year 5099 A.D. create a race of genial, shark-headed hominids with a passion for jogging on what unsubmerged landmasses remain. Eventually, by the year 200,000, man will begin in earnest to return to the seas that spawned him so long ago, regrowing his fins and scales. And finally, in the year 3 Million A.D., Man will have achieved his ultimate mutation, with enlarged eyes for utilizing what little light our worn-out sun may produce, thick scales to block cosmic rays that pass freely through the long-depleted ozone layer, a fish-tail in addition to legs (just to show up those snooty mermaids), and large, sharp claws, because, even in that far-distant time, claws will look cool and be easy to draw. At this point, the sun blows up.

I welcome the scientific community's comment.

1 comment:

darkmonkeygod said...

The bipedal lagoon-dwelling amphibian appeared only one year later because the Creature moves fast man, fast. I do feel compelled to point out to you that it was not he who left the lagoon, instead opting to build a cozy cavern, complete with mysterious columns and all. It was in fact his cousin, Martin, who upon finding that Gill had the knack with the chicks, decided to exit the traditional homestead and don a little bit of bling (it is common knowlege that at the begining of the first millennium, lasses loved fur and guttural utterances just as much as they do today. Go ask Jay-Z). Thus was birthed Chaka. Rumour has it that this departure caused a family rift that was carried forward Hatfield and McCoy style to Gill's supposed decendants the Sleestaks. I, for one, do not believe it.